sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize