Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Randomize
