Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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