I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
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