I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
