I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
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