My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize