new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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