The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Drake has all the answers
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
