When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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