You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
