just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
