After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
