i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
