I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
