If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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