I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
