If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
