he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
