I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
