I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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