Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
my being single is dangerous.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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