The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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