I cannot find my penis.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Randomize
