Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
