These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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