Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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