She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
