Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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