I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
