i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
