I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
