Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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