Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
