Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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