I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
