I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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