I think I won the penis lottery.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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