Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
