rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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