the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
