When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
