if you like me you must not know who I am
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Randomize
