She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
