and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
