The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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