She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
