I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
