I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
