One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
