Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize