I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
