I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I intend to get homeless drunk
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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