If that was your dad, he is hot
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
