Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize