When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
