The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Did I show you my penis last night?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
