I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
This baby is an asshole
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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