ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
