Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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