He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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