i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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