3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
